Spurious Logic

Mustering of the troops

"ALAN, get in here!"

There's the rapid squeaking of trainers on a linoleum floor as Alan Davies, my assistant manager, tries to hurry to my office without spilling either mug of tea he's carrying.

"Lookit Alan, I know they're good lads and that they all signed recently but we're going to have to get fresh blood in here. Midfield in particular. I don't care about their fitness levels, they just don't give a shit. I don't mind them being technically poor or not being particularly bright but if they don't put any effort in then they don't deserve to call themselves Spartans. Now show me that list you've got and we'll see what we can't do."

Alan pulls up the lists of available players and we start inviting triallists to the club.

Over the next month or so there's new, eager, faces on the training pitch every day. Most of them are either all elbows and knees, unable to control a ball without it firing off in random directions or else there's too little sign of elbows and knees, hidden as they are by layers of 'relaxed muscle'. They're all trying to do enough to sign up for that valuable part-time contract of up to £100 per week. It's a slow painful process of elimination but given our clubs' meagre resources and pitiful scouting knowledge it's the best we can do for now.

Every now and then I spy one who might be able to do a job for us and try them out with the main team in one of the many, many friendlies I've arranged. I'm doing my best to select players which are hard working and physically tough. Technical and mental skills are a definite secondary concern. I like the beautiful game as much as the next person but in this league, you're either the bully or the bullied.

By the end of pre-season I've brought in a number of promising players and the first team squad looks something like the following:

Goalkeepers: We've got two senior goalies and one youth teamer on the first team sheet. I quickly tell the kid to get back to doing his homework, chasing girls and training with the u18's.

I instantly take a liking to Adrian Ramm if only because his name makes me think he must be a fan of Industrial-Metal and conjugating German verbs. He's got good reflexes and weirdly, could make a fantastic striker with a great sense of where to be to get goals. It might be worth trying him in the outfield if we're ever stuck.

The other keeper is Simon Williamson who is slightly below average in all areas. With his bald pate and Spock ears he does cut a striking figure.

For now I think Williamson is edging it in the keepers stakes but we'll see how things go. Ideally, I'd like to bring in a completely new keeper. It shouldn't be difficult to find someone who't better than these distinctly below average muppets.

Central Defenders: We won't be caught for height in central defence. Mike Hoyle and James Andrews are two dominating centre backs. I'm a bit worried about Mike though, his emo style hair cut and what must be eyeliner seems a bit out of place in a team of hard bastards. No one else seems to mind so why should I care if he always shows up in "My Chemical Romance" t-shirts. It does seem as though he's suppressing his aggression off field by acting out. As long has he's aggressive on the field. If he start's crying during a game though, he's off.

The only other dedicated centre back is Lee Joyce but I have other players who can fill in if we're stuck.

Full Backs: At left back we have Ryan Bowden who, well isn't very fast but he's a half decent tackler and should be able to score now and then from free kicks. As a backup/replacement for him I got Glenn Richardson on loan. I've a feeling he'll make a better winger than fullback but it's nice to have the option.

In at right back Gary Wright is another balding Spock eared freak. Technically poor but physically tough and very, very determined. Just the kind of player I want.

Jon Turner is a 16 year old who is probably the best jumper on the team. I'm not sure I trust a teenager in defence just yet so I'm going to have him in a holding midfield role where he's equally comfortable. Eventually I'd like to see if he can make it as a centre back.

Andy Dunlop is a defensively minded right sided utility player who I'd be inclined to use as a rotation fullback or defensive midfielder. I'd just worry he doesn't have the aerial ability to make it as a centre back.

Central Midfielders: The beating heart of our team, the metronome to which the Spartan clock ticks. Club captain, Jamie Grieve plays from a deep midfield position. Covering our back two and barking orders at those around him. At 28 he's amongst the most experienced players at the club.

Karl Jones is another midfield tyro and is probably the best player on the team. Physically tough, hard working and technically decent where it counts.

Ben Lyons is a more adventurous player but don't worry, that'll be beaten out of him. Speedy, hard working and can put in a decent cross, I'm hoping at 21 that he's got room for improvement.

Steve Murray is 'one for the future'. Only 18 but he's good enough for us and he's got decent stats in key areas which would lead me to suspect that he could come on very well given a chance.

Wide Midfielders: None. Ostensibly Glenn Richardson, Gary Wright and Karl Jones can double up as wingers but I'm not so sure they'll be needed with my planned tactics.

Forwards: John Adams and Lee Brown are basically identical fast strikers with pretty awful finishing but, as I said before, pace and physicality count for a lot at this level.

Chris Yeats is a strong striker with average finishing. Too short to challenge most centre backs but maybe I can use him as a mobile forward.

Tim McManus is a bona fida international player. After spotting him at the England Trial day we tempted him to the club with promises of being a key player and the highest wages of any player. I'm hoping that he can play the role just of a front man, using his pace to run at the back line. If that doesn't work, maybe as a fast forward leading the line.

And, I've save the best until last. Not signed until after our first league game. John Henderson is by far the best forward in the team. Quite possibly the best in the league. And he cost us only £350 to buy and takes a salary of only £55 a week. If he stays uninjured and plays well he could be the key to possible promotion. No pressure you understand.

There's a bunch of dead wood, about 6~7 players who don't quite make the grade. The potentially trouble making Leo Smith being amongst them. None of them are saleable but I've managed to get 3 of them out on loans, just to get them off the wage bill and terminate the contract of one player who had plans above his station (he got very upset when I changed him from key player to backup and jumped at the opportunity to terminate his contract)

I send our one scout haring around the country checking out leads and recruit another to perform a more thorough search of U.K. and Ireland. They've yet to find anyone promising but it is a slow process building up a decent knowledge base. I spend some time browsing the players of the Europa League clubs, looking for a hint that one of the players in these minor clubs might consider giving north-east England a try. But not chance.

Actually, given that I'm starting at the bottom of the pile of leagues even if I'd started the game with real players it would make absolutely no difference as I wouldn't know any of the lower league players anyway and players I would know wouldn't want to sign for me.

After the establishment of the Spartan Cup North-East Friendly competition, my next medium term goal is attracting some quality Europa League talent and then getting into the competition proper.

Image of Engelwood soccer team 1908 from wikimedia commons