Spurious Logic

Things I have learned...

... or confessions of a newborn's father.

So this is a purely personal opinion based on my experiences. Your birth experience will be different. You'll have different priorities, make different choices all under different circumstances. We were lucky enough to have a fantastic midwife locally and chose to go for a home birth. Birthing was tough but without complications and really, it all went fantastically well. Of course this has coloured my opinions so you'll have to take that into account when you're reading this.

First though, a little general advice on advice givers. When it comes to anything to do with babies, there is no impartial advice. Mothers behaviour during pregnancy (what foods to eat, how much exercise to do), how to approach birthing (home/hospital birth, medication/epidural options), how you treat the baby after (breast/bottle feeding, co-sleeping, swaddling, dealing with crying...). There is tonnes and tonnes of advice out there, most of it contradictary and most of it convinced of it own rectitude. These are all incredibly emotive issues and around birthing is a stressful and emotional time (not least due to sleep deprivation) so the last thing you need is someone with their own ulterior motive telling you "you're doing it wrong".

Your parents will tell you one thing, friends will tell you another, nurses another and internet forums will tell you that unless you're doing Y exactly every X hours that you're hurting your child. The best advice we got was from our midwife, the most practical person I've ever met, when she said "You can't do anything wrong". And she was right.

Pregnancy: #

Be nice to your partner and remind her now and then that she's not just an ambulatory incubator. It's entirely possible to have light exercise up until quite shortly before birth (swimming especially) and it does help out. Realise that there's going to be ups and downs and that her sleeping patterns are going to change the closer you get (this is all getting you ready for the baby's patterns when they do arrive).

Stock up on food and other household essentials. Particularly easy to cook, easily digestible foods (pasta worked for us). Basics like bread and butter and tea (particularly fennel tea... see below). Once the baby's there you're probably not going for a big shop anytime soon. Even if you do your shopping online you'll struggle to find the time or energy to tackle shopping.

You'll need to decide where the babies going to sleep and have your stock of newborn sized nappies, nappy creams & wipes ready to go. Newborn sized clothes and blankets (we got nice wool ones).

Doing up a birthing plan is useful because it forces you to think about what you'll do in unexpected circumstances and it clarifies this for midwives/nurses. Personally I was delighted we did one. Not because we needed it but because, as a typical male, I knew my wife had very clear ideas of what she wanted during birth but I didn't know exactly what they were.

Birth: #

The biggest problem (apart from the pain) for a normal birth is exhaustion. Roughly 50% of first time home births end up in the hospital and it's down to not being able to keep on going. One of the factors is that on the day/night before the birth there is often a lot of restless energy and with problems sleeping, so that by the time labour actually starts, mum's already missing out on one night of good sleep. I would recommend trying to catch snoozes whenever you can but the fact is you're going to be so wound up that this can be very, very difficult. But do try.

Labour usually lasts for first time mums for between 12-18 hours. Dads, for at least the first 6 hours you won't have so much to do and you're job then is to rest. Not that you'll be able to really but again, you have to at least try. I snoozed for about a hour on the couch with the dog curled behind my legs while my wife was doing all the hard work down in the bedroom with the midfwife keeping an eye on her.

I could go into the exact details of the birthing story but that's something you will each discover and define for yourselves (plus I'm not that much of an exhibitionist) but suffice it to say, the most important thing to do is to be ready for when you're needed. Be there, be alert and be supportive of whatever she chooses.

Something which I wish we'd been told before is this; there will come a point during labour when the mum will say something along the lines of "that's it, I can't take it any more I just want it to stop" and really, really mean it. This is sometimes a sign that delivery is imminent (or that you need to look at the hospital/pain management options you had thought you weren't going to use).

Be aware that the birth plan with an all natural home birth with no medication and yoga nidra cd's in the background, which is nice, may get thrown out the window at this point. And you've got to realise that this is ok. You're not in this to prove a point to anyone. It's not a competition and it's not a lifestyle statement.

And then they arrive and everything changes.

First/Second Week: #

So once the baby's arrived, then your job starts. Your job is to make sure that mum is ok and cared for. This usually means doing everything that she usually does but now can't do. So, food, drinks and keeping the house in some kind of order (I don't mean clean and tidy, I mean habitable). Unless it's a very unusual birth, the new mum will be in bed for a minimum of  3 days with very short spells upright. Think of her as someone's who's basically just run an ironman triathlon and while healthy, needs to be cared for to keep them that way. Because labour can be tougher than that.

One of the most important things you can do is make sure you're fit and healthy. You know that bit on airplane safety announcements where they say "ensure your own mask is securely attached before helping others". Well it's just like that. If you're not up for it, you're a liability. So like a soldier you'll need to eat whenever you can (eating first/by yourself if necessary) and try to sleep whenever you can.

I found that after a day or two I started feeling sick. Headaches, chills, chesty etc. It wasn't a cold but sleep deprivation. Take some neurofen and tough it out. It's only a few days and you'll get over it. (there was also the bunch of lilies which I discovered I'm quite allergic to, that was fun).

The other part of all of this is that you're the gatekeeper for visitors. Obviously if your partner says she want's to see someone then that should happen, but if there's someone overstaying their welcome or mum's getting tired you're not so much allowed as required to say thanks for coming can you please leave now. No visits starting after 15:00 is a rule we decided on quite quickly.

If people are going to bring gifts, flowers are nice and all, but food is really appreciated. We got lasagna, stew and bread. All practical, can be reheated and easily eaten cold.

Behind all of this is, keep fit and keep mama's spirits up. After one or two days there'll be a crash. Hard. You'll know it when you see it. Don't freak out and it'll be ok.

If you're able to fit a celebratory night of boozing into all of this, well congratulations but you're going to be useless as a partner for the following day so keep that in mind. Personally I couldn't even imagine taking a drink never mind a night on the tiles. Plus you're going to be in a weird sleep pattern and alcohol will mess with that even more so I wouldn't overindulge. I couldn't even drink coffee because the last thing I wanted to do was force myself to stay awake during the day. Sleep whenever you can.

Here's a big, big one. If you're breastfeeding, be aware that

  1. Babies require very little sustenance for the first 2~3 days
  2. There will be no milk flowing in the first 2~3 days.
  3. Babies still need fluids so supping fennel tea from a tea-spoon will keep them going and keep them of a drip in the hospital.
  4. Pro-bottle people will encourage a bottle straight away (avoid this as it interferes with breastfeeding if used too early) and pro-breastfeeding people will decry anything but the boobs (which can result in dehydrated children)

After the first week, the second week is well, more of the same but a little less intense. Just keep plugging away and things can and do get better

If you can take more time off, do. You only get this chance once with this child and mama will appreciate it; a lot. If you can work from home, the fact that you're there at all means that you won't be needed.

Best of luck and enjoy the ride...

Image taken from my backyard, last Friday.